The Wheat from the Chaff

Blogging is really something. It's so easy to spy in on someone's life, read about it, and maybe even comment.

I heard somewhere that the reason we're so drawn to other people is that historically individuals knew only between 100 - 150 people. We're pulled to them, wanting to make a connection.

Sure, I have my 'blogs i read' list, but it isn't nearly the number I actually read and it's terribly outdated. Several months ago, I finally divided my favorites into four categories: daily, known (people I have met), weekly, and fodder.

Two weeks ago, when I went to log-in, my profile let me know it was corrupted. I logged into my husband's and found a 'quick fix.' It didn't work. We went on 'vacation' last week. And that leaves me still looking.

For now, though, I've been unable to access my favorites list.

I'm sure at some point I'll be able to get it back. It's just hard finding time to diagnose and solve a computer problem right now. In the meantime, I've spent a lot less time on the computer.

A lot.

This is somewhat of a 'it's not you, it's me' post. I doubt any people of the people I haven't been reading have even noticed.

In some ways, it's time to move on. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be blogging and checking in, it just won't be in the, dare I say, obsessive way it's been in the past.

It's time spend more time with the people that are right here, right now.

Everybody dies

Today in the car we talked about death. The kids were very interested, and asked a lot of questions.

Can you see God?

-Not when you're alive, but you can when you're dead.

Why?

-That's just how it works.

Does everybody die?

-Yes.

Why?

-That's how it works.

How do you die?

-Um... There are a lot of ways. That is a very good question.

Like you're hunting and somebody thinks you're a deer and they shoot you?

-That's one way.

Or you drowned? That's why we're taking swimming lessons, so we don't drown.

-That's another way, and certainly one reason to take swimming lessons.

I don't want to die.

-I don't want you to die either. But it's something that you don't have to worry about for a very long time. One way to live a long time is to make good choices. Like eating healthy.

And not smoking.

-Right, not smoking. Exercising and drinking plenty of water. Eating lots of fruit and veggies.

I don't want you to die.

-I don't want to die either, not for a very long time.

Good. Because what would we do without a mom?

-That is a very good question.

It's moments like these, that I'm not sure I'm prepared for parenting. There's no manual for this. It's not like you sit down and talk about death, it just comes up after lunch on the way home to get ready for preschool. It just pops up. Unannounced.

On a slightly less dire note. My MILF-y weigh in. Still stuck at 205. Could be worse. Could be my highest non-pregnant weight of 235. Or it could be my highest pregnant weight or 249ish. Just some emotional things weighing me down, right now. I'll get there.

They say it's your birthday...

It's been a hard couple of weeks around here. Usually is this time of year. Except this year it's been seven years. Seven years and now I'm reminded daily that the kids are growing up.

Two weeks ago I was at Target with my mom. The kids like to measure their feet. It was then I noticed that they all needed new shoes. Big Girl is in a 3, the Boy is in a 12 1/2, and the Baby is in a 10. A freaking 10. She's two. The Big Girl also needed a complete wardrobe overhaul when her 7 slims started to look like highwaters and the sleeves of her shirts no longer grazed her wrist.

Last night at swimming lessons, I saw my seven year old take off. Diving for rings, flipping from front to back, while swimming, on command. I saw my four year old take off with out "floaties" or "water wings." He also started going after rings. I couldn't believe it. The baby's there the whole time on my lap telling me it's "Not Fair" that she doesn't get to go swimming. "Not fair, Mama, Me swim too."

Tuesday night, my oldest gave the Toddler a bath. Washed her hair, scrubbed her good. Then she got her out of the tub, dried her off, and helped her with her jammies. The boy got himself in and out of the tub with only a modicum of help. The Big Girl? Moved on to taking a shower.

The Baby. She's potty trained. I've mentioned it before, but to have something stop so suddenly... I mean it's been seven years I've been changing diapers. Seven. To have that come to an unceremonious end smarts a little. Trust me, it's something I've been looking forward to. For the last couple days, about the time I go to ask her if she needs to use the facilities, she's already there. Doesn't need my reminder - usually.

More and more I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines.

I do feel like I'm turning a corner. Life is too short, too precious, to worry and wonder about what's coming next.

This morning, I had a request to play with play-do. All that we have is from last year, and it smells funny. Rather than put them off, I made some.

Play Dough
1 c flour
1/2 c salt
2 t Cream of Tartar
1 c water
1 T oil

Combine flour, salt, and cream of tartar. Add water and oil; mix well. Cook until ball forms. Add coloring as desired.

They're currently keeping busy with the red, yellow, and blue. I'm sure by now there are varying degrees of orange, purple, and green. My next stop in internet land is eddiebauer.com. Going to see what to buy with my birthday money from my mother in law. Probably shoes. You can never have too many shoes.

My parents will be here tomorrow, so my husband and I can go out to celebrate.

Today is my birthday.

New Year's is just around the corner

Rather than come up with something new, I should just revisit my resolutions from 2006:

1. Take better care of myself.

I don't mean eat better and exercise more. Sure, that would help, but I mean take time for myself. Take ten minutes and read the paper in the morning, have a cup of tea, perhaps at bed read for a few minutes. Little things.

Update for 2007: Continue to work on this.

2. Be nice.

Be as nice to my family as I am to friends.

Update for 2007: Be more tactful and continue to work on this.

3. Let go.

What's done is done. Nothing more I can do about it. No reason to stew or fret about it. Learn from it and move on.

Update for 2007: Continue to work on this.

4. Look ahead.

Look forward to all the great things out there.

Update for 2007: Continue to work on this.

I do feel I've made some great strides in certain areas - I've been very good about going to the gym and being a little more mindful of what I eat. During the summer I went for a monthly pedicure, which I really enjoyed. I finally got around to buying some 'nice' face wash and moisturizer and can really tell a difference. I recently got my hair cut, which makes a big difference in how I look and feel about myself.

There's always room for improvement, though.

Happy New Year all!

Jack Handey is in the house

So I had this nice, serious post going based on the following: Life is hard, and precious, and painful, and beautiful beyond measure. It's something I read last week and it really stuck me.

Instead, I googled "Jack Handey."

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

What else can you say?

Christmas Eve

I know it's just the time of the year, but as my kids get older I am much more cognizant of how I do things. Creating traditions and the like... Knowing that growing up, our traditions became more involved and now that I'm a mom, I'd like to create some of my own for my kids.

I was reading Momish, and she talked about to wrap or not to wrap. We, ok - my mom, wrapped everything. As things were accumulated, she'd wrap them and put them under the tree. Santa left gifts after we were in bed Christmas Eve - and they were wrapped too, only in different paper that we hadn't seen before.

Of all the tradition, this one sticks out the most. We always open one gift on Christmas Eve. This started when I was around 10 or so. I can remember as a kid my sister and I begging our parents to just let us open one. Pretty pretty please. After doing it one year, it became automatic. Now, it's usually something that we can't wait to give. Like, if I'm really excited about the gift I have for my sister, she'll open that one. The only catch is you can't pick what you open - someone else does.

One year, I think I was a senior in high school, we opened our traditional Christmas Eve gift. Everyone took a turn and opened one. It had gotten late; it was around midnight. Somehow between my sister and I, we tried to convince our parents to let us open all our gifts. Technically, it was Christmas. They finally relented when we promised we wouldn't be disappointed the next day. We laughed and told them we still had stocking gifts (Mom said as long as we believe, Santa will fill our stockings. I still believe.) and our table gift. We finished up around 1:30, and wearily crawled into bed. There was a certain giddiness that year, even the next morning when we should have been opening gifts.

There is something soothing about tradition, but it's ok to stray from it. Not too far, though... I still can't convince my mom to serve enchiladas on Christmas...

What makes my heart sing

So I was perusing blogs last night, as I'm prone to do when I can't, but should be, sleeping. I read a line, and it got me thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

Thinking about what makes my heart sing. What pulls me away from the mundane, the every day. What brings inner-contentment, what brings peace.

The way my baby grabs my neck and hugs me. And not just any hug, but a tight, vice like grip around the neck hug. And I hug her back, because if I am lucky, when she pulls away, she'll lean back in and give me a kiss on the cheek.

The way my boy wants to give me two hugs before I leave. The first is always a running jump where I have to brace myself so that the flying forty-five pound mass of boy won't knock me over. The second, he'll grab my leg with an "I love you." Then run to the front door to wave, with barely a backward glance.

The way my six year old wants to be tucked in at night. Covers a specific way, with a Care Bear or two to keep her company, she requests a "Mommy Hug" in which I lay over her and smother her face with kisses.

While I'm doing any of those, the world melts away. Nothing else matters.

But there is more to life than my kids.

It's things like being alone in the car and playing the radio really loud and singing along. It's the perfect cup of chai tea latte. It's reading cookbooks tucked in bed bolstered with plenty of pillows. It's cookbooks in bed with chai tea latte. It's creating a gift for someone. It's finding a groove at the gym during my cardio and letting my mind wander, because my body is cooperating.

There are so many fleeting moments during the day when the world is 'right.' It can be hard to see them, but they're there if you take the time to look.

Trifecta

I couldn’t sleep Thanksgiving night. Had about a forty-five minute nap in the afternoon, so my schedule was out of whack. Started thinking about all I was thankful for. The list is pretty long. My thoughts shifted to my friend who lost her husband, and how time really is fleeting. How it’s not if we’re going to die, it’s when. Really, how much time do we know we have? I started thinking about my “Life List” – you know the big “To Do” before it’s over.

It’s not really important what’s on my list, but I do have one.

I started thinking about what holds me back from accomplishing things I want. The biggest, for me, is fear of failure. But also, there’s a trifecta. Three things that either help or hinder any project: ability, time, and money.

Right now, I have as much ability as I’m going to. Time and money are another thing – right now. Sure, if I really wanted it, I could make time, but truth be told, there are only twenty four hours in a day and most of those hours are taken up caring for the young ones. Money, well, we’re feeding, clothing, and housing a family of five on an income of one. Not that we’re wanting, just trying to plan ahead and make sound decisions.

At some point, I’ll gain more time. The kids will get older and more self-sufficient. Eventually, they’ll leave the house. Money – at some point, I’ll go back to work. Things may get tighter as the kids get older – with activities, and eventually college, but at some point, hopefully, things will loosen up. I look at my parents, my dad especially. Retired, he’s got the time and money, and, because he’s taken care of himself, he’s got ability too. Some, though, as they get older, end up with a lot of time, but no ability. Others, no money. It’s a balance to strike.

So it’s now 2 am and I still can’t sleep. I start thinking about the ability based things I want to do. One of them… A marathon. Besides the ability, the second most needed thing is time. Money, I shouldn’t need another pair of shoes for about 100 miles and the entrance fee is minimal. I start planning out how to carve workouts. The obvious, is to do as much as I can in the mornings when I go to the gym. As I increase my effort, my mile time will decrease, allowing me to get more in the same amount of time.

I’ve thought plenty of times about Marathon to Marathon in Iowa. It’s not too far distance-wise, and I have family in the area. Now, for the training. Right now, today, it’s twenty nine weeks out. So I’m thinking of doing a 5k or 10k training program to work up to the eighteen week Hal Higdon’s Novice Program. I’d have to start that February 11th.

Now is as good of time as any.

Thanksgiving

Wonder if the Pilgrims knew what they started...

More food than we can eat, family everywhere, five kinds of pie, and football in HDTV.

Happy Turkey Day.

Where do you go?

Lately, I've been romanticizing farm life. Or should I say acerage life. I don't want a farm with cows and such, or corn or beans. Maybe a cat or two. Or even a dog.

Instead, an old house with maybe an outbuilding or two. Something to fix up. Restore. A place for a garden. A grove, a glen, a prairie, a pond. A place to stretch out.

I can see it in my mind. Big wrap-around porch, peaked attic with windows. White. Long driveway paved with maples that go brilliant red in the fall.

Where do you go when you daydream? Who do you see? What do you do?