Monday, November 13, 2006

When the going gets rough...

Who do you call?

Had some stuff go down today that I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It left me a weepy mess, wondering what the next step would be. My husband boarded a plane this afternoon taking him 1600 miles away. He knows what's going on, and the distance doesn't help.

So I sit and wonder... How does estrangement happen? One day at a time I suppose. Or is it deeper than that? Is it instance by instance? Is it being hung up on, emails not returned, calls not returned? Is it creating emotional distance to spare your own feelings? Tired of never knowing how what you will say will be interpreted? The gulf growing ever deeper, harder to cross, leaving vast space where there was once closeness.

It's not that I can't talk to my husband about what's going on. At this point, it's like beating a dead horse. It's tiring, rehashing the same issue over and over. "Guess what..." I start. "What now," he replies, almost knowing what I'm going to say before I say it. Once I tell him, a small smile crosses his lips. He knows where this is going, again.

This time, though, it's different. Maybe. This time, I feel I'm left holding the reigns. I don't know what to do. I've been hurt too many times. I worry if I put myself out there again, it will come back to bite me like it has in the past. I worry if I don't, things will never get better. It's not that I don't want things to work, I do... almost desperately, in fact. Maybe that's the problem. I'm holding on to a memory of the past, knowing that it will never be that way again. It never can be that way, too much has happened. Or has it?

So I found myself tonight at McD's. The kids were playing. I'd already talked to my Mom earlier in the day; twice, in fact. I'd talked to my husband too... but I still needed to talk. So if you got a stilted voicemail not making much sense, trying to sound normal - it was just me. Trying to reconcile an impossible situation.

When the shit hits the fan... Who do you call?

9 comments:

Denise said...

That's pretty much was causes estrangement.

I don't call anyone. I keep pretty much everything to myself...causing estrangement from everyone. I'm highly anti-social when things are bothering me. It's reactions like the one your husband has that makes me that way.

Spazbomb said...

I don't trust anybody with my major worries. I work though it myself. It's tough, but then I only have myself to blame when things don't work out the way I like. Saves tears and heartache all round that way.

Army Wife said...

me too , no calls...

I have been burned too many times

MPPs Mom said...

there have been many a time when I wish I had someone I could call. Used to be my mother, but you konw that story. Used to be my sister but with a newborn she's not in a position to listen to my verbal diarrhea as often......for now.

HUGS though.....hope you can work through it and find several shoulders to lean on in the process.
christina000

Anonymous said...

I have been here, too. I hope things are better today and that you have found someone to talk to you.

Laurie

meno said...

I keep things to myself. When my husband and i were having a really tough time i didn't tell anyone, because i was embarassed. When i finally had to tell people because we were separating, they were shocked. In retrospect, it would have been far easier and less lonely had i had someone to talk to.
It's the introvert in me.

Mitzi Green said...

i don't call anyone in particular, i spout off to whoever will listen. even total strangers. especially total strangers.

joansy said...

I've got a girlfriend who I can completely unload with - she's perfectly understanding and sympathetic and also has the incredible ability not to hold all of the shit against my husband after the fight is over. She also has a great ability to remind me of his good points while still be sympathetic to my rant of the day -- most of which are 100% justified.

I hope things work out for you. It's never easy.

schloobie said...

Ha, I tell you guys. Seriously, I hope everything is OK.